Day 5

Day 5 March 9th.

*nightmares*  One was I witnessed a blue PB attacking a person.  Then it turned on it's owner.  I stood there watching, not moving, just observing and feeling so powerless.  Immediately following I was in my house.  Jake was bleeding from his anus.  I walked into my kitchen, put hand on the stove and knew I had to make 'the decision'.  It was gut-wrenching.  I could feel the shock, the punch in the stomach, the powerlessness in my dream.  *I will not dwell on the dreams*

Regardless of the above, I once again made it a great day for all of us!

We slept in this morning.  Jake wasn't on bed with me, but I am not going to force him. He did jump up this morning and laid horizontal across it, right in the middle.  He then proceeded to growl and jump off when Zoe and I dared to try and get comfortable. *that is the dog I know and love* lol

He seemed to feel well today.  I wrestled with leaving and getting the other dogs exercise. If he is having a bad day, I want to be near. If he has a good day, I want to be near too to enjoy my puppy.   I knew I needed to exercise Maddie. She has been extra needy lately and I know it's lack of exercise and one on one time. Zoe needed time too. She keeps getting left behind. AND, I also wanted to spend afternoon with Jake.  How many hours in a day?

 So, I devised "musical walks" with dogs.  I first took Maddie to the park and walked three rounds.  We ran too. I have some pent up anxiety and energy I needed to dump.  Once finished,  I ran home and grabbed Zoe.  We did a short 45 minute hike up Millcreek.  I ran home, grabbed Jake and we were at the park by 4.


We stayed a good two hours at the park.  I contemplated walking him a few times. I changed my mind seeing him content sleeping in the grass.

There were a few people walking around in our vicinity playing Frisbee and chuck it .  He got up once. However, he wasn't barking an pulling to play.  He saw his nemesis, the evil GSD.  He payed attention, sniffed the air and watched him walk by.

Captured a few more shots.  I like these because they show the true color of his eyes....

Back to work tomorrow. 

PS - I ate spoiled chicken tonight.  I did not eat a a lot.  After a few bites I remembered I bought the chicken this past Tuesday.  *pay attention Annie*

Day 4 Part II

Jake seemed off most of the early afternoon.  He was very noise sensitive.  When we went to Bakery, he heard high pitch barking. He stopped and bolted back to the E.  Any high pitch noises seem to wig him out...  

Regardless.....

We made it a GREAT DAY!!

 We picked up his Birthday Pizza.  I decided to celebrate Jake's birthday early. I decided to do it at Sugarhouse Park, just him and I. I wanted to take him to a park where he could lay in the grass, sun bath and people watch.

Happy 11th Birthday (early) Jakers!  XX00

  

I just let him go at it.  He ate a little over 1/4.  Then i put it away.  He simmered down, relaxed,sunbathed, rolled in the grass, observed the people, dogs and the CYCLES!  Jakie loves the sound of motorcycles. His ears would perk and his head and eyes would follow the bikes.

We stayed at the park for around two hours.  Jake would rest his eyes on and off.  He never really got up to move.  I burrowed my face in his coat on and off.  I laid down next to him holding his paws.

AND - I took Jake and Ann selfies galore!  I wanted a few more shots of us.  His coat was so shinny in the bright sun too.  He always received compliments on his coat.

So grateful for today!  

Jake and Mama Selfies!  And some Jake alone shots

*heart breaking as he is hiding in the bathroom right now.  He won't join his pack.  That means to me he isn't feeling well. Lord, thank you for today. And if it be Your will, I ask for another.*

Day 4

Day 4 March 8

It doesn't seem  like Jake is having a good day :-(  He lost his footing this morning, I believe.  Who knows, I could be paranoid since I am watching him like a hawk.  His appetite was fine and now he is lying on his bed dreaming... Dreaming of his good life I hope.

I am emotional today. It is a beautiful Saturday morning. The kind of morning where  we would jump in the E and head for a hike in the mountains.  We would all be so happy. He has the goofiest mountain smile. He runs up and down the trail, smiling the whole time. I yearn to take him again.I reminisce on all the hikes we had this year.  I should focus on that, not what we can't do.

I don't want to leave him alone.  I am afraid I'll regret any moment I don't spend with him,  I'll beat myself up "Why did you go to the store, why did you go to the meeting, why did you exercise Maddie..Why did you get your nails done. etc.  That could have been time you spent with Jake.  What if he goes and you aren't there?  You need to be there to sing him his song, to tell him GOGOGOOGOGOOGO"

 FOCUS ANN FOCUS

I do need to run some errands, to show up to keep some balance.  

*tears* I can't believe he is is going to die soon.  I thought he'd live longer... I strived to do right by Jake - food, supplements, exercise,  It just wasn't enough.    (he hears me crying and awake.  So in tune, my heart dog is).  

OK - i will run some errands.  I need to take care of me so I can take care of Jake.  I will bring him along.  We will pick up dog meat.  We will pick up his birthday pizza.  We will go to a park and sit together so he can lie down in the grass and smell fresh air.  We will make today a good day.  I will get out of this funk.  It isn't good for Jake, knowing he is so in tune with me.

Day 3

Day 3 - March 7

TGIF!

Since Jake had a few good days in a row, I decided to let him stay in the E for the day.  I brought along his sister.

IDK - I don't want to take advantage of the opportunity  at work to have him with me. However, It aches not having him next to me in the office. I don't think I am going to do it again.  I want him next to me, with me. I guess one someone says something, I'll do something different.  Then when it gets bad, I'll just work from home or use vacation.  I do have days stacked up.  I can ask that right?

I did hear, thru someone else, about a women who wondered why I am not choosing to end his life.  Now this specific lady also had a sick dog. She made some decisions I would not have made.  If I was here, i would have done some things different.  However, I tried to see it from her point and know I would do different.  I won't judge you and you don't judge m, k?  Please, don't ask me "why" unless you have had the journey we have had, walked on our path. * I guess I needed to vent about that*

We celebrate Jake's birthday on March 23rd.  I decided to celebrate early.  Maybe we can have two celebrations.  I ordered his pizza yesterday,  I had them put hearts all over it.

Late night meeting and home afterward,  Jake's appetite is good, but he seems a bit depressed. I keep checking his gums and his stomach.

We go to bed a little early again.  I need all the sleep and relaxation I can get.  This is DRAINING.  However, it is ok.  Drain me Universe, if it means days and days of time with Jake.

He did not sleep with me, which worries me.  He stayed on his bed.

Once again, we ended our evening with Thank you Great Dog.

#tbt - D2

Day 2 - March 6th
Thursday was a good day for Bubba.  He was happy go lucky, and wagged his tail endlessly.  I must savor and embrace these moments, these days. His stamina is low and he sleeps a lot.

I spend a lot of one on one time with him.  I'd lay on his bed and whisper stories of his journey...

He went to a meeting with me.  Afterward, he got to see his Aunt Krissy.
There are certain names I mention and he perks up.  Jaxxon his, Aunties, Grammy , Grampy.

His Dad came by brought him not one, but two cheeseburgers.  Ohhh the life of a dog.

We hunkered down in bed early, with Jake up on the bed with the pack.

Day 1

March 5th - Day 1

As my alarm went off.  I hit snooze.  I want to relish our morning snuggles.  Eventually, the dogs bladders won out and our day began.  Jake's appetite was good.  We took our time getting ready for the day.

First stop,was the Vet Clinic.  Everyone commented on how much better he looked today. And he did!  He looked so  good, I snapped a photo.

His red blood count was at 28%.  The vet seemed satisfied. We spoke about do's and don'ts.. I am going to go in once a week and get levels checked.  And of course, any issues to bring Jake in.

Off to work we went.  We stopped for coffee, again. Jake slept most of the morning. At lumch we hit McD's; cheeseburger, french fries and a vanilla cone.  We stopped at a local park, ate, and  enjoyed our wonderful weather.

Shortly after we got there, a man with a black dog also arrived. He had a Frisbe.  Jake's head turned.

I enticed Jake's focus with the fries but his eyes went back to the game. I began to wonder if he wanted to go play.  If this sitting and watching was causing him anxiety in some way.  I quickly looked and we watched as the dog leap up in the air. I whisper to Jake "You do that".   About that same time, my beloved flydog pulled to the end of his leash.  I knew it was time to go. He wanted to partake in the game. How does he understand "no"?  Another piece of my heart broke off for Jake.  He won't be able to run, leap and catch again.  I must remember we had numerous catch games with many objects during many seasons.  He has had more catches than most.

More Jake selfies .

Back to work.  He slept most of the day, enjoying the classical piano music I picked from spotify for us.

I often look over, check his breathing.  One time I observed him chasing rabbits :-)  After one of his power pees, I spent time giving him his front leg rubs.  It is his most favorite and we have done it since puppy hood.  He will even use his legs to clue me in.  He nudges his muzzle under my head too. I speak with him, sing "his song".  I like to see his tail wag when he hears my voice.  My sister posted the below verse on my FB page.  I love it an it reminds me.

Speak to me often, for your voice is the world’s sweetest music, as you must know by the fierce wagging of my tail when your footsteps falls upon my waiting ear.

 I began to cry as reality once again settles in.  A phone call breaks the moment.

We drive home. I rest my arm on the arm rest.   I turn my hand, palm up.  He likes to put his chin there.  That is how we drive home most of the way.  He alternates between that and moving back to his bead.  He always returns for his chin palm.

Grammy and Grampy arrive to visit again.  He is happy as happy can be.  I am a little frightened by all the jumping Jake is doing, Zoe body slamming him, wiggling and motion etc that is happening as they enter.  But hell - who am I to rob him of his happiness?  If he ruptures because of love, that would be ok.  According to Grammy and Grampy, you wouldn't even know he is sick.  Yes, today has been a good day for Jake.  I'kk take it!

They leave and we eat dinner.  The rest of our evening  is uneventful.  I make mental notes of the places I want to take him.    I type this as I watch him sleep on his bed.

Before I go to sleep, I review, ok try to review, my day .  I end my day on my knees in prayers thanking God for all I have .  All my gratitude right now is for another day with Jake and  for the gifts he has given. Tonight I'll add in how grateful I am for the beautiful day to which we were able to eat a cheeseburger together at a park.  

Day -1, 0 and DDay

I want to keep a record....

Day -1 Sunday February 16 - Cluster of "seizures" on trail head.  Rush to the Per ER.  He was wheeled in on a cart.  Medicine was given to relax him.  They ran some blood and urine tests. Seizures, he said. We  visited the vet for the next week looking for causes.  Most suggestions were out of my price range. We did a few tests, which were inconclusive..  He never returned to "Jake" after this day.

Photo from Day -1 resting on Maddie for moral support.

Day 0  - March 3rd.. Jake seemed extra depressed.  I thought, "I'd be too if no exercise for two weeks!"  So, I took him to Sugarhouse Park to walk.  He was extremely uncomfortable and looked bloated. He looked like a tootsie roll!  He also had no stamina.   His gait was off.  We pushed one round and then went home.  I proceeded to feed him.  He threw it all up in half an hour.  He stayed away from his pack... He kept hiding.  Eventually, he came into room.  However, he tossed and turned all night.. Uncomfortable all night.  We both were....

DDay -March 4th -   I made a decision to take Jake to vet.  Something wasn't right.  I wrestled with decision, thinking I was being paranoid.  We were rushed in to see good ol' Dr P.  He agreed there was something definitely wrong.  Keeping financial constraints in our minds, we made a plan of discovery.  We ordered additional blood work and an ultrasound.
Around 10:30, I got the call.  Jake has Hemangiosarcoma.  He has a few tumors on his spleen, one being large.  He has a few on his liver.  There is blood in his abdominal cavity.  One tumor must have ruptured.
I bolt out of work.  A dear friend meets me at the Clinic.  We begin the in dept conversation about Jake with the Vet.  There aren't a lot of options.  " He is dying" is what I remember.  "quality of life" decision is another.  I move from a range of emotions and feelings.  I vacillated between shock, OMG and denial.

                                                                               Jake on DDay

We spoke about and decided to bring him in tomorrow to check his red blood cells to see if internal bleeding has stopped.  He is given some anti nausea  medication.  Off I go with Jake in tow. We stop to get ice cream and return to work.  Numerous calls, texts, and  messages. The outpouring of support is magical.   My heart if full as so many realize what a fantastic dog Jake is.

 I plan to stop at Grammy and Grampys.  As we make our way down 7th East, Jake comes to life.  He sits on counsel and his mouth smiles.  We pull into driveway and he jumps ever so enthusiastically out the E.  He is home.... Jake returns to Jake at their house.  The love they give him and he in turn.  I leave him there as I run to store to buy bland food for my heart dog.  We leave and go home.  Dogs are fed.  I bath with Jake and Zoe lying in the bathroom keeping a close eye on me.  Zoe, keeping a close eye on her brother.  We all fall asleep, with Zoe sleeping on the bed with Jake and I.  This is a rare event.  One must wonder if Zoe is in tune with what is happening.
..
I want to chronicle our last footsteps on this most amazing journey.  I need a place to put my memories as they come up, a safe place to express my emotions, and my feelings.

We became avid hikers this past year.  I am glad I constantly took photos of my dogs.. *dog selfies*
 Here are a few shots from a few recent hikes.

Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole.

Roger Caras