Day 32 April 5

Down day for me....

However, I put on my big girl panties and got moving for Jake!

We visited Granny and Grampy. They rank right up there with flyball and mom!    He is always so happy when we are there..

After, we visited our vet.  I picked up this months Pets in the City.  I was nonchalantly flipping through and then BAM!  I saw Jake's photo.  Imagine my surprise.  Seriously!!

After our visits, I took Jake to the Old Mill.  This is the swimming pond we have hit for the past few years. He seemed so happy to be there!  However , watching him walk down broke my heart to pieces!  He is having a very hard time in his rear.  I am not sure if it is loss of muscle mass,  this disease is affecting his equilibrium or maybe even the seizure caused some issue.  None the less, he made it down and waded in the water. It was a serene moment.  We had the pond and the aura of all it is composed of ,to ourselves.  Just Jake and the Mom Lady

I dropped him home and fast asleep he went.  I boogied out the door to exercise Zoe and then to exercise Maddie.

As the day drew to a close, we all snuggled and slept like logs.

In Jake's book, I am going to say he had a GREAT day.

day 31 April 4

*TGIF*

Our Chinese Herbs came in.  What was recommended was WeiQiBooster , Stasis Breaker, and stay on the Yunnan Paiyou.

We will start them tomorrow.

Jake had a little spring in his step today.  So we played ball in my office.  It made me smile and I could tell he was excited.  I don't know the last time we even played chuck it or catch....

Day 30

Day 30 April 3

I have decided , after reviewing patters, that Jake is happiest when going for "rides".  Maybe that is just what we do from now on :-)

**non Jake ramble**
I am irritable, restless and very discontent.  I am eating out of emotion, which makes me feel physically and mentally like garbage.  I am emotionally exhausted and mentally exhausted.  I am also about fed up with people. I believe I am surround by people who are so into self - that it is making me so ill to my stomach. I so want to take their inventory and tell them to get out of their luxury problems.  And out of their self pity too - Get off the cross.  We need the wood!  I have learned whenever I am pointing my fingers at someone else, there are 3 pointing back at me. I am ignoring me by focusing on others defects.


I am reading a book called "My Life with the Saints" by  James Martin SSJ.  I am thoroughly enjoying it.
I had a phone call with someone I look up to for guidance.  She made a decision that really flabbergasted me.  She didn't tell me about it either.  I know about secrets,  I went into judgement about it.  It is a decision she made that I know if it was me, her guidance would have been different.  It is self will decision.  I've watched her take the steps to do this week after week.  I've watched her obsession...   So, back to my book.  In reading it, the chapter on St peter, I thought of her.  I thought of how she is human. How we ALL have flaws.  God loves us for our flaws too.  I should love others for their flaws. We will make mistakes (HELLO LOOK AT YOURSELF ANN).  That what she does and doesn't do is NOMB.  It is her path.  What choices she is making doens't really affect or effect (hell I can never remember) me.  Also, our life is  all about our individual relationship with God. Each decision we make brings us closer to God; positive and negative decisions.  Got it. In addition, I get to decide if I want to continue to use her for guidance in that area of my life.  It is an question that has been resurfacing time and time again.  Maybe it keeps coming up for a reason.  I need to accept and love her for who she is.  I don't need to keep her in my life.  Our paths, our history, our basic core values and believes are really different.  I struggle to keep her in as maybe she has lessons for me - maybe I am learning about loving the differences in people.  IDK - *confused*  however, I do believe I don't have to totally shut the door on the relationship. I can just choose to go somewhere else for guidance on specific issues.

 In addition, I had a horrible dream that I drove off a cliff . I could feel the falling in the dream.  I woke up with my heart racing.  I know why. I am spinning out of control.  Parts of my life are spinning out of control - out of my control... I feel like I am going off the deep end.. Maybe I am.  the good part is that I am aware and that I stopped - I stopped in the dream too.  Not sure how you stop the E from off the cliff but I did...

**rant over**  Going to finish a report and take my puppy for a cheeseburger

Day 29

Day 29 April 2

Restless night where we  (sort of) slept on dog beds in the kitchen.  I need to be close to him.

He isn't ok.  His PCV was 32 this morning. However his gums are a pale pink and he is having a hard time walking. He drank a huge bowl of water this morning.  *we are on watch*

I asked about it spreading to his lungs or heart.  The Vet told me a rupture in his abdominal would take him out before it spread to his lungs or heart.

He has been sleeping all day in my office.  He isn't getting up when I leave.  He looks like he doesn't feel well.  I can tell.  You can tell when you dog isn't feeling right..   I am trying not to over think, over feel, over worry or over dramatize.  However..........Good news is  appetite still good :-)

I put a call into holistic vet.  She game me 3 red tablets of Yunnan Paiyao   for when I *believe* he has an internal bleed.  I can't recall dosage.  I guess too, I can order the 8 day supply for $60.00 *rme*  I am afraid to give it, however I have to trust I have them for a reason....

Does this look like a dog who isn't feeling well?  :-(

On a bright note..

HB 97 has been signed into law.  That is right - No BSL in Utah!  In honor of this historic advancement in Utah, here is a photo of Miss Maddie

**  I decided to give our holistic vet a call.  I then made the decision, keeping faith ad coincidence in my forefront, to give Jake the emergency Yunnan Paiyao.   I made the decision too, to start him on some of the chinese herbs she prescribed.

Jake was back to his normal self while home.  He seemed a little more energetic and alert.  He even followed me around. I know it is a good night when he follows me and actively jumps up on the bed by me.  He is still drinking a large amount of water so we were up a few times in the middle of the night so he could urinate.  However, back in my bed he went.  I made sure to hit the snooze 3 extra times so I can relish the moment.

Day 28

Day 28 - April 1st

Well it has been 4 weeks since diagnosis.  And it has been a rough day for Jake.  However, on the bright side, Jake is here with me and we are getting thru one moment at a time.

He is the best DB Assistant ever!

Oh - my escape at night...

Day 27 March 31st

Day 27

Very busy day at work...

I did bring Jake and Zoe to work with me.  They stayed in the car.  It seemed Jake was having a great day.
We took a late lunch, shared a double cheeseburger and went to the park.

I like to listen to inspirational messages during work.  I don't' listen to Joel Osteen. However i foudn this message and it reminded me of my struggle yesterday.

#611, Be Comfortable With Who You Are

It was a late work day.   Luckily, I have a standing Monday walk with a friend.  Thankfully, Maddie is to the point where she can somewhat walk with her dogs.  Thank goodness, otherwise Maddie wouldn't be getting any exercise.

My butter on the bread of the day was that Jake was in bed with me - back to back. How we fell asleep and how we awoke.  Zoe was there too - at the foot.  She hasn't really slept in my bed.  However, recently she is there - keeping her eye on Mom and brother.

Day 26

Day 26 March 30

Sunday
Zoe loves her big brother.  I haven't thought much about her spirit when Jake's body leaves us.

I woke up feeling a little to much sadness and shame.. Shame that I love this dog so much; shame I feel so much sadness.  Shame that I go everywhere with my dog and decline events because I want to spend my time with him. Shame I am a single 44 year old women who has dogs (WTH!)  I have these thoughts like something is wrong with me because I do those things. Shame because he is my priority .  I know where it comes from.  I am trying to distance myself from the people that portray that attitude.  Their intention isn't to make me feel that way, but I take it on that way.Because I don't have the same obsession as they do,  I take it on as something is wrong with me.  OR when the say "maybe I'll just get dogs".  Hmmm I take that as a dig or a surrender.  It is not   I guess I am really judging myself.  Hmmmm  I need to find my own power that - stop comparing myself to everyone else.

I ran to a place where like minded people are at.  I shared a little.  I spoke with a few safe friend who have walked this path - interesting enough, sober men, who shared their experience about their relationship with their dog and the loss they felt.

I need to remember it is ok to feel sad about Jake.  It is ok for me to have so much love for my dog. It shows my great capacity for love.  Just because my life doesn't look like what someone else wants their life to look like doesn't mean there is something wrong with me.  It doesn't mean there is anything wrong with them either.   It is the path God has me on.

In the afternoon, the snow began.  We went to a park to let Jake walk in the snow.

After our short walk in the snow, we drove around. It seems Jake is less stressed in the car.  My house can get very busy at times.  And it is ok - we just drive :-)  I'd drive all day and night for him if it eased his anxiety.

Once home, and after dinner, we chilled in the front room. It was a Sunday evening we enjoyed.