Missing him.

I miss my Jake

I miss him deep within my soul.  He was a constant.  I relied on him more than I know.

I saw the below at Starbucks.  I feel it was him reminding me he is with me, watching me.
I try to hold onto that.  However, it doesn't replace my had stroking his soft puppy ears or feeling his head resting on my feet as i work or him coming into my room and resting by me or on his bed. The security of having him is gone.  weird, he brought me some type of security.

I'll write about his last day soon....  I'll write about the days after soon too...  Just processing.  It is getting harder instead of easier.

April 26

RIP JAKE

GOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGO!

3/23/03 - 4/26/14

Photo taken in the morning on the day he was sent to the bridge.

Day 52 Friday April 25

This morning, as I got ready for work, Jake came into the bathroom. He usually lays down on the rug.  Instead he looked at me and leaned into me as he stood. It was a soul to soul look. My heart sank.  He was telling me something...but i didn't listen. I did and then quickly went into denial.  Looking back he was asking me for help...

It wasn't a good day for Bubba. He was swaying and having a hard time walking. He is having some serious GI issues.  He was having accidents at work.  He threw up and then had more accidents, involving blood, in the house.  We visited the Vet ER.  His PCV is down to 18% .  The ER vet suggested fluids and gave me some meds for his GI issues.  We did our usual loop of the hwy on the way home.  We went home and both slept thru the night.

I woke up Saturday morning and I knew..........

Day 48-51 April 21-24

April 21 - Food finickiness continues.  I think it is because of herbs.  I will stop putting them on his food.
April 22 - Only ate half his dinner.

April 23 PVC 23
I had a chat with out vet.  He asked me what I was thinking. I told him I try not to think.. LOL
I am on the correct logical track in his opinion.  No transfusion will help.  He stated it is a waste of money .  And Jake wouldn't want his last day to be in a vet office.

Now we are on quality of life walk.... *tears*

Keeping on our bucket list - live every day as your last...
Late last night - scary late - I drove him to Tanner. I just walked him thru the wooded entrance. and a few steps down the hill.  He had to stop. You could see in his eyes he wanted to go further, to run.  However his body stopped him.  To see that want in his eye and then to see his once able, highly athletic body unable to take a few more steps - *CRUSHED my heart*

Recent notes on the last few days

• He is having a harder and harder time getting into E and using steps at back door.  he fell a few times now.
• His tail still wags when I sing him his song.
• He refused Peanut Butter
• There is about 3 hour sleep increments at night.  He has to urinate about 3 times a night.  I'd wake up 10 times for him.
• He still sits up on his rides
• He will follow me eventually
• I am worried about Zoe.  She is losing her the dog she shadows.  She also lost Sneek.  maybe I really don't need to worry about the Sneek loss.  But the Jake.. Her and I will work thru it together.  
• I follow him around from room to room at night.
• Emily is moving out and taking Sneek with her.  I'll miss them both. However, I believe it is for the highest and best good for all involved.  Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God's world by mistake.
• I can leave the door to my office open and he just stays under my desk.
• I lost an amazing video of him and Zoe at the canyon last year.  I am hoping to recover.
• My nightmares continue. Most are about Jake, death, friendships, people going away.  It is fitting for what is going on in my life today....

Day 47 - Sunday April 20th Easter

Below are the Easter goodies Peter Rabbit brought for the crew.  

  Jake enjoyed his

Church, hike with Maddie and then brunch with a friend and her family.  Afterwards, I felt the need to go back to the mountains.  This time with Jake and Zoe.  I wanted Jake to be in the mountains a few more times.  His journey is coming to a close (reality).  So, up we went.  I was surprised at his alertness and energy.  We got out and visited a campsite.  Someone even drank from the strean and plopped himself down.  

 We walked around a bit and sat.  There were many families celebrating the holiday with a cook out.  So, Jake and Zoe's nose were on high alert...

 My boy was happy. Zoe and I were happy to see him happy.  If that was his last day on earth, it would be fine with me.  It was the perfect day for both of us.

I am trying to live each day as if it is Jake's last.  It is hard to do during the work week.  However, I try to at least take a drive with him or snuggle, even if he does growl.

Day 43- 46 April 16-April 19

And the decline begins...
April 17 - PVC 23 (Yunnan Paiyao given)
April 18 - PVC 29
April 19 - PVC 27


Our go to vet is out until Monday. SO, we see a variety of vets.  Transfusion recommended on 4/17 and 4/18. IMHO it isn't low enough.  Our regular vet never recommended.  He'd spend a day in the clinic AND it would add maybe a day or so to his life span...   I also called a friend for some unemotional advice.  Decision was no transfusion.  When we went back Saturday, another vet agreed with no transfusion as he seemed stabilized.

I was off these days.  And to be honest, we didn't do much. I really wanted and needed Jake to rest.  We did spend some time at the park after our 4/17 visit..  It was a little on the warm side.  However, Jake rolled in the grass and listened for his cycles.

I was lucky to have taken a few days off for Holy Week.  I went to the Cathedral on Good Friday for the Passion.  I was moved. I often forget how good I feel after a moving service.

Friday and Saturday were non eventful.  We just kept living in the moment, my co-pilot and I .

DAY 42 April 15

Feeling a little sentimental today.

And for the dog of me, I can't figure out how to recreate this.  Of course, I didn't save it on PicMonkey and there is a big ol' spelling error. I am hoping the purest out there don't call me out on it.

** I made a new one.   I am really digging this PicMonkey! 

DAY 37-41 April 10th thru 14

I sometimes forget he has a terminal illness!
And that, my friends, is a God doing for me what I can't do for myself.
We just keep making memories of us :-)
Our days are filled with trips to work, office visits, parks and McD's at lunch, duck watching friends, and cruising around SLC late at night.

At the duck park close to our house

And I made time for a short hike with Miss Maddie.  I swear she is so damn serious!

April 9 Day 36

We had our weekly visit.  His PCV is at 33% and his weight is holding steady at 52.  Our vet stated that Jake is a fighter.  I agree.

And that is about it for today.

April 7 Day 34 and APril 8 Day 35

**behind on posts!**

Day 7
Rough night and day for Jake.  He was restless last night and panting hard.  It continued during the day.  He seemed really weak.  He is having a hard time with his back end.  It is hard to watch a dog who has been so agile struggle.
Then around mid afternoon -*BAM* back to self..

As our daily deal, we go to a local park for lunch each day. I love to watch Jake use his senses.  Here he is smelling what the wind blows in...

April 8 Day 35

He slept thru the night. He actually slept in bed with me.  I always know he is feeling well when he jumps in bed.

It has been 5 weeks. Again, we did the lunch "bark in the park". Today, he rolled around in the grass.  Once done, he took a short nap.

April 6 Day 33

  Well, it was suppose to be warm and sunny.  NADA!

So, Jake and I ran errands and just drove around.

Later in the day, we all napped.  It was nice to have Jake on one side and Maddie on the other.  Poor Zoe had the dog bed on the floor.  She still isn't to keen on being snuggled up with Maddie :-)

We hit the hay early....  I am glad we did.  A restless night ensued.......

Day 32 April 5

Down day for me....

However, I put on my big girl panties and got moving for Jake!

We visited Granny and Grampy. They rank right up there with flyball and mom!    He is always so happy when we are there..

After, we visited our vet.  I picked up this months Pets in the City.  I was nonchalantly flipping through and then BAM!  I saw Jake's photo.  Imagine my surprise.  Seriously!!

After our visits, I took Jake to the Old Mill.  This is the swimming pond we have hit for the past few years. He seemed so happy to be there!  However , watching him walk down broke my heart to pieces!  He is having a very hard time in his rear.  I am not sure if it is loss of muscle mass,  this disease is affecting his equilibrium or maybe even the seizure caused some issue.  None the less, he made it down and waded in the water. It was a serene moment.  We had the pond and the aura of all it is composed of ,to ourselves.  Just Jake and the Mom Lady

I dropped him home and fast asleep he went.  I boogied out the door to exercise Zoe and then to exercise Maddie.

As the day drew to a close, we all snuggled and slept like logs.

In Jake's book, I am going to say he had a GREAT day.