Marian Antoinette T. 9/24/40 - 8/28/05

Three years ago today, at 4:30 am, I got the call. The call you dread - the call, that as a child, the thought of the event keeps you up at night. The call that makes you go numb, that turns your stomach over, that gives you cotton mouth, that makes you pace constantly, the call - that in a split second your life is forever changed.

I was sleeping when the call came. It was the second time the phone was ringing - the first I ignored. I heard my brother say, "Mom's not breathing". "What?" I asked. He repeats himself....I yell again, "WHAT???" Then I hear him speaking to someone "Has she passed?". "Yes", the unknown person replies.

BOOM!!!!!!!!! You never forget that moment. You replay it over and over again thinking it's a bad dream - or maybe you think if you keep repeating it the news it will someone sink in.

The next days , the next weeks are a blur - but certain memories from that time are forever imprinted in your mind You can recall and picture them as if it was just yesterday.

I spoke with my Mom every day - sometimes more than once. Sometimes the calls lasted a while and sometimes they were just short. They ranged from in depth conversations to just asking if you watched a certain TV show. To go from talking all the time - to well - nothing......

I heard someone share a story at a meeting recently. A man lost his wife and was talking about life without her. He said "The only thing that did not change, was my sobriety date." I could relate.

I wish I had more photos of my Mom. She hated her photo taken because of her weight. She didn't believe she was pretty or beautiful enough for the photo. But, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. She was the most beautiful woman I knew. The kindness, humility, and her unselfish giving to all made her beautiful. No, she wasn't perfect, but she had a good, kind, loving heart - something she tried to share will all she met.

I will admit - today is a hard day for me - in fact the last few days have been. Could of, would of, should of , still kicks my @ss when it comes to the time before she passed away. I try not to stay there, but well I am human. I wish for one more hug, one more I love you, one more vote of confidence from her, one more talk, one more touch of her hand or to touch her arm again, one more smile on her face when I arrived in town, one more ____ (just fill in the blank). But one more would never be enough - would it?

I sometimes look at the below photo - as it looks as if she is looking right at me. I try to look back at her - in the eyes, and say all the things I want to tell her - all the things I wish she could hear, all the things I need to share.I cry as I right this - tears of sadness. But I must remember the tears I shed are a representation of the love and all the memories I have.

I don't know what I believe about death or the afterlife anymore. But if there is any chance her spirit is somewhere - anyway she can hear or see me,
I miss you much Mom and I love you.. Please come visit me in my dreams...